This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
