Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
