Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
