He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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