and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
