Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
