the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
