you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
