Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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