i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
