I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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