dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
