i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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