you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sober January is a disaster.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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