i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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