Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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