brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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