Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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