i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
