Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
