Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
did i walk over a car last night?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
