I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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