I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
