Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you had me at cake vodka
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
