How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
