We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
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Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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