Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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