Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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