four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
