I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
