Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
