Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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