It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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