I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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