my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
