I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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