So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
