I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
