Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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