That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
