Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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