You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
