so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
