Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
