She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
