Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Everyone says I win the strip club
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
