Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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