I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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