All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
