I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
