Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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