I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
