Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
