i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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