Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
