I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
